#of sheer hopelessness and despair that im feeling today

[clowningcrows]

i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh

[anum-cara]

DAY 1

Day 1

 Why am here in Drakensberg 2 weeks before the holiday? I have come to look for salvation. I have come to try to clear my soul, to rid myself of the crippling sadness. Maybe if I dissect what happened, I can clean myself out and start anew. Maybe if I start at the beginning of what brought me here to this moment, I can shed all the agony I feel inside. I look at the ruins of my life and feel awe and horror in equal measure.

 I am sure, if most the world turned into zombies and people started eating each other, it would have been less destructive to my life, then what actually occurred

  “Healing isn’t pretty

But the other side is fucking beautiful”

 I want to find my beautiful

I need to find my other side

 But let’s look at the here and now. First today, then I will open the door to past

 Today I drove down a road that never ends. I walked up a mountain. I swam in an icy cool rock pool. I stood under a waterfall. Well, more like water trickle. The water run so slowly across the rock, it looked like the rock was leaking water. I walked on a mountain trail that ended abruptly and then thought...what the hell...I am a seasoned hiker. I will just make my own path

And of course I got lost on same said mountain

 Now the shoe story:

I usually buy my hiking boots 1 number bigger, so 7. Turns out a UK 7 are a SA 5. In retrospect the shop attendant did mention something like that.....But I was in such a rush...I didn’t really want to hear it

As soon as I put it on, I could feel my toes scrunch up uncomfortably in the front of the shoe.

I know what you thinking: Why didn’t I try them on in the shop?

Sad thing is: I DID!!!! I was just so rushed and felt they are a bit tight, but thought: “ag well....Gotto go!”

 So when I got to Mahai trail, I stopped and put my hiking boots on. I knew I will never make it in these shoes, but low and behold my red Cape Town tekkies was in the car! A very light shoe and thin sole. Very fashionable. It actually went ok, because big parts of the trail are paved. It’s when I got lost and had to trample through the knee high grass and brush that they desperately failed my.

 Now the hike story

So here I am tramping through the thick foliage and I thought, just keep going downwards. All roads (excuse the pun...cause there was none – IM A POET!) lead to Rome right?! WRONG. The further I went the more impossible it was to continue on my chosen path. I was thoroughly lost. After about 20min, I was getting a bit anxious and tired. After all, I had hiked a good hour to get to this nowhere spot. In my now buggered red fashion tekkies

Then I had a brain wave. Just use the GPS. I was so relieved to see I was only 3 minute walk away from the car park and started walking with new enthusiasm. Turns out GPS does not take gorges, thick foliage and sheer cliff drops into account.

Now I was really nervous, I was just getting more and more lost! And a storm was brewing. Not in my head this time.  A real storm. In the sky above. I didn’t even look around when I heard the lightning behind me. I was scared enough already. Didn’t have to see that shit

So prayed and asked God to please show me the trail. God definitely has a sense of humour. As I got to the top of the hill, shortly after my plea to God, I saw a trail. On a hill about 2 hills away.

Ok God, thank you. Very funny. Let me be a little bit more specific with the request I send up to You: Can the route I am now following cross a trail. On this hill. In about 5 min or so. Else my faith will start failing, I threatened, and neither of us wants that. I remembered the lightning and shot a smile up to the sky, so God knows I was only joking

I made peace with the fact that I would have to back track to the waterfall and link up to the trail from there. There was no way to back track onto my original trail. I had no idea where it was. So I just kept walking, jumping and climbing in the general direction. Eventually I found my way to the little creek somewhere below the waterfall. I had already seen the trail on the other side of the creek, as I was coming down the hill. Now there was a lot of scrambling down. Sliding on my bum, jumping and climbing involved in getting to the other side and of course, I could not see the trail again. After climbing across a bunch of boulders and still not seeing the trail, I exclaimed out load: Ag give me a break! And as I said this I saw an African Lady in a bright red dress walking towards me on the trail that was hidden from me by the long grass. I gave God a small smile and said: You funny guy. And thank you

  Day 1 pre life destruction

 I was standing in my kitchen the day my soul-mate, best friend and lover fell in love with a girl. An icy wind swept through my soul. The experience was so intense I gasped for air. And I knew. I did not know exactly what I knew. I just knew, like only women do.

 I looked up and through the window. It felt like there was a storm brewing. Not in the physical world. Deeper, much deeper than that.

If I had a Weasley clock the arm would have swung to “grave peril”.

I had a beautiful quintessential life. A lovely perfect family unit. I adored my partner. He was my whole world. And he adored me

But change was coming for us all, like a monstrous beast.

 My handsome, brooding teenage son sauntered through the kitchen. I watched him exit the door and a groan escaped my lips.

The anguish in my soul was so unfathomable and yet so real. Every breath caused me pain. Well that is what I thought pain was. I had no idea how intimately I would get to know that word.

 My daughter was making singing noises somewhere in the house. Completely unaware of what was to come

 He was the spindle of our household. He was our silent strength. He was our guardian. He was our protector.

He would now become our spindle and our chainsaw in equal measure. The same man that had kept us together will relentlessly rip at us, until there was nothing left, but ruin.

 He came home from work, but I said nothing of what I had experienced in the kitchen that day. What do you say? Wait for the man you have loved and adored most of your adult life and say: “Hey honey, an icy wind blew through my soul today and I want to ask you: Please don’t. I don’t know what exactly, but please don’t.”

 Of course my mind immediately contradicted the unexplained visceral reaction of my soul. “He is your best friend. He has been for many years. There is no logic to this. You are happy. You have such an intense connection with each other. This can’t be real. Your soul must be confused.”

And so the war between your soul and your mind begins

 At that moment the journey started, that almost destroyed all of me. The contradiction of the untruths you hear from the man you love and trust implicitly and what your soul whispers to you night and day. The relentless need to believe the man you adore and disregard what you feel, but cannot explain. So begins the destruction of self. The erosion of the confident women you once were. I had a choice: Hang on to your belief and keep your self-worth or disregard yourself in favour of the mate you believed you know.

The same man who completed me for so long was about to unstitch me, our home, our life, our world. One stitch at a time. He would slowly, methodically over an extended period of time rip chunks out of my soul. When he was done, my soul looked like it had been through a shark attack.

It’s not the affair that destroys you; it’s the lies and deceit.

But in all fairness, I did a fair amount of tearing my soul apart myself. In order to believe him I had to doubt myself. The reality was just too dreadful.

This war between my soul and its knowing and my mind and its denial, would take me to the brink of insanity

 Over a period of months, this man I have loved and adored would introduce me to the word hopeless. He would make anguish my constant companion. He would bring despair into my bed and watch it ride me into the night

He would watched all of this happening to me, day after day, week after week, month after month and show me only exhaustion and exasperation at my inability to keep it together

He would repeatedly say: I am just having fun. I am not doing anything wrong

 If you think it’s the truth that destroys you, you wrong. The truth just explains the devastation you already experience. I looked at the ruin of what I was. I had no concrete explanation for it.

 Once the truth was out, there was a strange kind of peace in knowing the dreadful truth. It ended the war between my mind and my soul.

 And then he sat back with a raised eyebrow, as if he was saying: Now rebuilt it. Fix you. I’m waiting. Impatiently. I want....I want ....I want...

 The problem with an affair is that the war is raged between the walls of your home. With every shot, every cannonball you destroy your own world.

 I wander in between the torn and bombed remains of my mind. I look at my ripped and scattered soul and I’m astounded at the damage I had done to myself.

For the love of a man

 And I ask amazed, can love do this?

And my tattered soul whispers yes

And my mind screams no!

 And so the war begins again

[letters-to-ames]

Dear friend, today was lonely just as any other days. I wish I had you to talk me to sleep. But I don't. So tonight's im sleeping to the dreams of not waking up. I wish you'd come back the next morning, but I know you will not and I know I'll wake up to the feeling of sheer despair & hopelessness of not having you anymore. And I don't want to feel that anymore. Hope you have a better night.